I hate being randomly emotional. At least when I wake up sobbing in an ambulance I have the excuse of a seizure. And, while we're on that particular topic, if Donna asks me one more time if I've had another seizure I'm going to cry (or just be very, very angry). I understand her concern, and trust me, I am appreciative that so many people actually care, but if I saw you just yesterday and I don't outright tell you I had a seizure, you probably don't need to ask me if I've had "another seizure."

I hate walking around Books-A-Million feeling rushed because my mom is following me. I'm not looking at inappropriate books, nor do I have any desire to, but I like being left alone to walk leisurely along the aisles. I like getting lost in bookstores, spending hours upon hours to sit and read as I like. I miss the Alabaster Books-A-Million, where I could do that until 11, when they close.

I miss my father. Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream - his illness, his death, his body reduced to ashes - everything. An irrational hope fills me when I feel this surreal denial, but then the reality crashes down and I am left to cry over the fact that he really is gone.

You want to know something that truly frightens me? I have such specific memories, glimpses of my life as if it were a movie, but I can't remember broad things. I can't remember a lot of my life with Dad, and that scares me so much. I want to hold onto my memories, but it's like with every passing day since he died, I can't hold onto them. They're sand through my fingers and I'm so scared of losing the last pieces of him I have.

I'm lucky enough to have parents who were still married, and would still be married had it not been for cancer. They wanted so much for me to go to college, to have opportunities they themselves missed out on because they did not pursue higher education for their own reasons. That's one reason I want so much to go back to Montevallo, to continue making great grades and being one of those at the top of my class. I am not arrogant, but I worked hard for my good grades, for the President's List, and hope to make the Dean's List this next semester. I am ready to go above and beyond. I know my potential, and I am determined to reach it and strive to be the best I can be; that's what my dad wanted - and something I feel like I never gave him, because I was just too damn lazy. Now is my chance to redeem myself.

I am sick to death of summer, mostly because three - nearly four - months of being out of school has driven me insane, especially when accompanied by flaring epilepsy. Epilepsy. I still haven't really accepted the fact that I'm now considered an epileptic. I hate that the asshole who was my first neurologist (Dr. Leon Dure from Children's Hospital - I will never forget him; my parents didn't like him either, and if all three of us don't like someone, then you know it's a bad sign) was right when he said he had no doubt that I would have another seizure after my first in eighth grade. So, yeah, I'm impatiently anticipating August 25, and wish it were weeks earlier. How life has changed from high school, huh?

I read the Bible tonight. I've been reading it more and more since I started attending church every other weekend. I read most of Matthew. The verse the chaplain read in the hospital room right when Nana died was Matthew 11:28-30: "28. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Something in that struck a chord so deep within me that I had to share it here, and renewed my interest in the Bible. Whenever we read the lesson in church now, I continue reading from the Bible while still listening to the lesson.

So, call me nerdy and call me cheesy, but I was looking up Elvish (yes, Elvish - from Lord of the Rings, you read correctly) phrases, and included were farewells. Two I considered getting for a potential tattoo one day:

• "My heart shall weep until I see thee again" / "Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'"
• "Sweet water and light laughter till next we meet" / "Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva"

I just love those phrases.

Well, I should stop here before I babble on more and look back with embarrassment at the potential thoughts of my peers. I hope this emotional instability goes away soon. I'm not used to falling apart like this.

The sun has entered Leo, by the way. I hope the Lioness in me comes out. I wish my Leo tattoo would go ahead and heal. End impatient grumbling here.