do I disappoint you in just being human?

Today on Livejournal I opened my friends page to see an actual lengthy entry from my roommate, Stephanie, who rarely posts and when she does it's often short. Persacon, an anime/sci-fi convention, is going on in Huntsville this weekend (or is over now, I suppose), and I was originally going to go, preferably with Charity, but since I've had my three seizures since school let out, I opted out of it. This also worked for Charity, since she had work this entire weekend. So, Steph was left to go with her local friends from high school and met one of her friend's friends, James. Her entry detailed how they spent random time together, and had a rather upbeat tone to it, which I thought odd. It's not as if Stephanie is never happy, as I realize that's probably how that sounded, but rather that she was excited about a guy. She doesn't really have much interest in guys or girls either way; we've talked about pansexualism and how, if anything, she might be that, because she doesn't necessarily associate gender with sexuality; rather, if someone is 'pretty' or 'good-looking' then she thinks that regardless of gender or social boundaries.

Anyway, that point aside, the entry followed with a million smileys as she detailed her first kiss, followed by many 'first' afterward kisses. I am totally happy for her, but somewhat envious. It's not as though I'm unhappy in my relationship with Joseph; quite the opposite, especially lately (we've had rough patches, especially this first year at separate colleges, but the summer's been going well so far). I'm just wondering if it's "normal" to not get 'butterflies' anymore. I'm certainly not bored after the two years we've been together. We talked recently, actually, about how our relationship has shifted dynamics; instead of being a giggly couple discovering what it's like to have a real relationship for both of us (my longest relationship prior to this was little over a month - how pathetic, right?), we've taken on the lyrics, "You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend" and personified them. They're ours. They're us. I'm not saying I don't enjoy kisses anymore - and I certainly hope he feels the same way - but I am saying along with two years' worth a relationship comes a certain sort of predictability. And, of course, I lose the nervous feeling.

Am I sounding jaded? Perhaps like a woman in a marriage that's lost all the spark? Because if so, I failed at making my point. I'm not at all jaded, and in fact, I view our changed relationship as an opportunity to get to know each other in different ways instead of focusing on a relationship for relationships' sake. I am, in no way, ready to get married to Joseph (all members of my and Joseph's respective families, you can breathe easy!), nor am I looking to return to the past to the early stages of the relationship when prom was the biggest event we had to worry about and whether or not his vest would match my dress perfectly. I would, in no way, return to the days of high school (except the part where I don't have seizures every other day, and if I could be so blessed, to have my father back in good health, but what does wishing about things we can't change do but set us back?). I just almost forgot what it was like to feel nervous about a kiss. I'm just lucky to have Joseph by my side.

In other, entirely-unrelated news, my mom is seriously looking into getting a seizure dog for me. My aunt said she and my uncle would help pay for it and do anything they can if we can find one somewhere. About/to my seizures I say: "Tired of being the reason the road has a shoulder" (thank you, Rufus).

I wait all day for my sailor,
And sometimes he comes.

See you over hill and dale.
Riding on the wind, I see.
You know me...
You know me like the nightingale.
"Oh...fair maiden,
I see you standing there."
Oh... will you hold me for just a fair time?
The tune is playing in the fair night.
I see you in my dreams.
Fair boy, your eyes haunt me.
-Tori Amos, "Song for Eric"